Summer!!!! What summer?

It's summer?! I shouldn't be surprised, I knew it was coming. It took a little longer to get here this year, and believe me I noticed how long it took. I needed Summer this year, I craved it and couldn't wait for it to get here. The problem is, we are so incredibly busy that I felt like it was over before it even started.

All 3 kids played baseball this year. Chris was Delaney's coach, he helped with Chandler's team and ended up assistant coaching Mclayne's team.

I was not just loafing in my lawn chair during these games though. I haven't written much about it here but we are obviously pretty involved in our kids sports, and this year we are even more involved. Our city started a Football Booster Club and I threw my hat in the ring and am one of 3 Vice President's in the booster club. We have lots of meetings and are doing concessions at baseball games and are running fundraisers and events. It is fun and exhausting, and I love it.

Football doesn't even officially start until next week and I'm wondering how much longer it is going to be ;) We have a lot of events coming up and it is busy and exciting.

Chris is coaching Chandler this year and he is SUPER excited to play football.

My concern at this point is that I am waiting to lose my S***. When I get overwhelmed and really busy that is what happens. I eventually lose it, I have a breakdown, freak out and lose my s***. When I expressed this concern to my therapist she said "why?" why do you have to lose it? Well I guess I don't . I am making the choice this time not to lose it.

I realize it is my choice to add all of these things to my plate. But I like it! I like to be involved I like to help out. I've always felt like if I didn't like something then I should be part of the solution not the problem. I can't stand to listen to people complain about things but when they have the opportunity to "help" they don't. So I'm involved. That's all.

I have so many things I want to write about, hopefully I won't wait 6 months again to blog.

I have some messed up dreams

The worst part about my messed up dreams is that I remember them, sometimes for days!! The least of my most recent messed up dreams was the one I had Friday night where I decided I was going to have to have another baby because something bad was going to happen to one of my kids so I needed to get on having another one right away and while driving pulled my IUD out of my throat. I warned you! Messed up!

Last night I had two separate dreams about two separate women that are no longer in my life, who at one point I considered friends. Needless to say they bugged me enough that now I feel the need to blog about it.

I wrote last year that the blog would be a way for me to get some of my feelings out as I try to work through my crazy pants issues. However, I don't really feel like I have done that. There are a couple of reasons.

1. I don't want to freak people out. I'm not sure that the 3 people who may possibly read my blog can handle it. I'm a fruit loop and I don't want people looking at me in that strange "did you bring a knife to church with you" way.

2. I don't feel these crazy feelings all the time. I just have moments that mess with me and through therapy hopefully I am getting through some of them.

3. I'm not medicated. Your shocked right? I've been medicated off and on since I was 18 and the fact that I have been med free since July is scary for everyone.
I am hoping to remedy that today. I have a Dr's appt and I'm ready to start drinking the kool aid again. *revised* Dr office just called and changed my appt to next week so don't expect anything special out of me until then*

How does this relate to my dreams? It's the women who are no longer my friends part. I have dis-associated myself with several of my friends over the last year. Not because they are not good people and not because I don't want to be their friend. But because I have enough of my own issues that I couldn't deal with theirs. That may sound totally selfish and I'm OK with that. However, my therapist says, (which is my new favorite saying by the way) that it is OK for me to not be friends with people that make me feel bad. I choose my friends and if they hurt me or make me feel sad I don't have to be their friend anymore. I realize that sounds obvious, but it is surprising how many relationships I have been maintaining because I felt like I HAD to, not because I wanted to.

One of the "friends" is someone I worked with/for for a long time and we have not been "friends" for a long time, and in the dream we weren't friends. She was screaming at me as usual and freaking out about stuff that neither one of us had any control over. Just like the old days and the reason we are not friends or co-workers anymore so I'm OK with that one.

The one that is bugging me is the dream I had about a friend who I cut out of my life because she was doing JACKED up stuff and screwed me over financially, she owes me a couple hundred dollars which may not sound like a lot but I would NEVER EVER do that to someone I cared about because it is a lot to us. Since one of the three people who read this blog might know said friend I won't use any names and she won't read this but I don't want to totally throw her under the bus. I digress. In my dream she came to my house and she looked awesome! She was healthy and beautiful and we embraced and she apologized and I apologized and we were sisters again. I miss her. I refuse to tell her that now because she needs to be cut out of my life, I need her to be cut out of my life because I can't handle her B.S. but someday I hope this messed up dream comes true.

It's a Brand New Year!!!

And I don't really care :) I've never been one for big New Year's Celebrations and kissing the previous year goodbye. We have ups and downs just like everyone else. But we always grow and learn and move on. I'm not even sure I could list the things that have happened (good or bad) this year. We are all relatively healthy, and I have 3 beautiful, smart,and somewhat annoying children whom I love and adore. A wonderful husband who I think is the bee's knee's and we are blessed with a roof over our head, food in our bellies and a wonderful extended family.
I still wish they could visit us in Arizona, but for now I am working through the cold and the dark, always trying to change and move!
I'm a big believer in moving and changing. I LOVE change! Obviously some changes are better than others and some changes are not always welcome. But if we are not constantly changing and moving life would be SOOOOO boring! Life would be like the movie Groundhog Day. Doing the same things over and over again. Do you know the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I have my own brand of crazy I don't need to be insane as well.
I don't make New Year's resolutions, I think they set me up to fail and cause me undue stress. Plus if you need to make changes in your life, make them. The calendar doesn't need to change for you to change.

I will get off my soapbox now and wish you all a Safe, Happy, and Prosperous New Year!!!

Bad Blogger

I'm a really bad blogger. I don't blog for anyone but myself, however, I have these huge spans of time that I don't say anything. The funny thing is I think about blogging all the time. In the shower, laying in bed falling asleep, driving in the car, reading other people's blogs. But actually sitting down and blogging is really hard for me and I'm not sure why. I know one of the reasons is that I don't enjoy typing which sounds weird, but I feel like I'm losing my skills. I used to type 70 wpm and I enjoyed typing far more than writing because most people can't read my writing. Which I use the excuse that I write fast because my brain is working faster than my hands can move. But now days I'm not sure you can read my typing either. My brain is working faster than my fingers can move, or my keyboard seems to be very insensitive and I find myself doing a lot of back spacing which is annoying. But today is the day....
So here are the updates:

Drama started pre-school in September and she loves it!! She is doing really well and quite honestly I enjoy the 3 hours a day 3 days a week where she gets to learn and grow ON HER OWN!

The Man is in 2nd grade now I can't believe how big he is getting. (older anyway) He is super smart and is still OBSESSED with football, to the point that I have to ask him to stop talking about it, because it hurts my brain. He has been very patient and very good while we got through this last season of football.

Mac is in 6th grade! I am way to young to have a tween, at least I think I am, he just thinks I'm old. He is having a very busy 6th grade year, he was elected to be a peer leader at his school, which is kind of like being a student body officer. He is really enjoying that. Right now we (he and his dad) are working on a science fair project which may destroy all of our lives by the time we are done. That may be a little dramatic but this thing is totally stressing us out. Another post about that another day. Football is OVER and football is football. They won A game which is an improvement. I am very proud of he and Chris for sticking it out and committing to their team, but football is a whole different story for an entirely different day.

Chris is working hard and does a lot around here to try and keep me sane. (futile I know) We celebrated our 12th anniversary in August and I love him more every day.

I am still running the website and doing day care, which means I'm also still in therapy. I'm down to going every two weeks, and I feel like I am getting better sometimes, and other times I feel myself slipping back. It's that time of year again, I can feel the cold wearing on me already and it just started. For instance it is supposed to get all the way up to 52 degrees today. Do you know what the temperature in Mesa is? I do!! It is supposed to get up to 87! I can feel it calling me home.

I have a bunch of other things I would love to write about, but I especially want to share this link with you which will lead into some other posts I am composing in my brain.
I follow this beautiful woman on twitter and I also read her blog and even though we have never met I feel a very close sister hood with her and the things that she struggles with but she is a much more eloquent writer than I.

Personal and Professional that is the question

Why you may ask is this the question? Because I have found myself really enjoying social networking. I love my Twitter more than I can tell you. I connect with other adults DURING THE DAY, and a lot of them are super duper cool, and I totally get them. I get their profanity, and dirty talk, and kid crazy, and mama love. I get them and I think some of them get me.
Here is the problem. I got into social networking to help promote my business. For those of you that don't know, I'm a professional bow maker amongst other hair accesories godess. (if you will indulge me) I own and operate and organize and cry over and stress over and sweat over Flowerzinherhair.com there's a button over there to your right, if you have never been there you should at least check it out so you know why I'm fat and where my blood, sweat, and tears, and patience have disapeared to.
Due to the fact that I am my business my personal overlaps with my business and I don't think that is always good. In my mind I know I must be professional and all business like. But when I am "tweeting" it's me, it's who I am, and I am not professional all the time. I swear and I want to say sarcastic rude things to non intelligent people. But I can't, I have to be careful because even though I may never meet or see any of these people ever in my life, I don't want to hurt my business because people that follow me don't agree with my politics, or my parenting or my loud personality.
My biggest fear is that I'm going to totally piss some powerful mommy blogger off and she is going to write a big old long post about the crass owner of flowerzinherhair.com and then all her mommy blogger friends are going to black list me and never do another review or giveaway and my business will go in the toilet.
I do realize there are a couple of simple solutions for this problem.

1. Don't be crass, don't be obnoxious or sarcastic. (have you met me? I don't think it is possible I've tried to be soft spoken and meek it's not who I am and I still feel like I need to be true to who I am)

2. Be all business on Twitter (that is a hard one, my business is ME it is who I am)

3. Don't "do" Twitter (I don't think that can happen, if you are a business owner in 2010 you need to be on Twitter it is an amazing place to make connections)*and I would miss Courtney.

So you see I am in a pickle, and it's killin' me smalls. I think for now I will continue to be 'me" just stay toned down, and leave the good stuff for Direct Messages :)

Seasonal Affective Depression Disorder

Seasonal Affective Depression Disorder or SADD, is a form of depression that is directly linked to or caused by the weather or time of year. Why you ask am I telling you this? I'm telling you this because it is a very real form of depression that I personally suffer from. There are two types, Summer and Winter. I always thought it was only related to Winter weather but apparently some people can be affected by the Summer weather as well.

Don't get me wrong, I suffer from depression ALL the time. I had been medicated off and on since my late teens/early twenties. But after I had The Man I have been medicated permanently. After I had The Man I saw a Dr. who thought I may be Bi-Polar. When I called my mom and told her this possible diagnosis her first response was "Oh My gosh don't tell anyone" What? Now this was six years ago but it has still bothered me a little bit. Like if I had diabetes or cancer or high blood pressure, would she still have said "Don't tell anyone" probably not. But it is the same thing, depression is when your body/brain is not working or clicking the way it should. For the record I was not diagnosed with Bi Polar disorder, however,it would not have surprised me.

Even though I take my meds every day, this year is hitting particularly hard. I don't know why but this past week has been brutal.
Symptoms of winter-onset seasonal affective disorder include:

■Depressed mood
■Irritability
■Hopelessness
■Anxiety
■Loss of energy
■Social withdrawal
■Oversleeping (feeling like you want to hibernate)
■Loss of interest in activities you normally enjoy
■Appetite changes, especially a craving for foods high in carbohydrates such as pastas, rice, bread and cereal
■Weight gain
■Difficulty concentrating and processing information

Now the fact that I live in a frozen tundra does NOT help this. Every year at this time, I start dreaming about palm trees and sunshine to the point that I want to call a realtor, put the house on the market, and Chris registered for a couple of job seeker sites today. I'm not saying we are moving because I am fairly certain that will never happen but my dream would be to move south....immediately.

Other than meds and moving 700 miles away there are a couple different ways to treat this. I have gone tanning in the past which helps, but is expensive, bad for my skin, and part of the depression is that it's hard to leave the house :) (aka catch 22) There are also light therapy boxes to sit in front of, that are available so I am looking into finding one but they are also not free.

I don't share this with all of you because I am looking for sympathy or let me know what I can do for you stuff, because I wish there was something someone could do. But it is what it is. I share this because if I seem distant blah blah blah this is why. I'm working on it. I don't like it, it's not fun but it's not personal to anyone else, it's my deal and I really do my best to put on a good show, but this week it's not working out so well.

I am so blessed in so many ways and in my brain I keep telling myself that I don't have a "good reason" to feel depressed but I can't help it, and that is what is so frustrating. This may come as a shock to many of you (all 3 of you that read my blog) but I am a little controlling... I know, I know, catch your breath, and the fact that I cannot control this almost makes it worse. I can't even think of anything sarcastic or snarky to say. That is never a good sign. But I will get through. I just may not leave my house until March or so.

Santa... What's the big freaking deal?

Let me preface this post with....I DO NOT ENJOY CHRISTMAS! Here are the reasons.

It's cold....I hate cold.
Christmas songs are dumb.(except for the Forgotten Carols)
I never know what to get people, and so I get them something just to get them something and I think it is dumb.
People act like stressed out a-holes. (including me)
Other than A Christmas Story, Christmas movies are dumb.


Those are just a few I'm sure I could go on and on. I do respect the holiday where we celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, but I don't enjoy the "season". I probably would if I could put Christmas lights in a palm tree but that is a different post for a different day.

To my point: What is the big damn deal with letting your kids believe in Santa? We all have those friends who look down their nose and in their best Julia Child voice say " We want our children to celebrate the truuuuuue meaning of Christmas. We don't place emphasis on Santa".

Why, Why, Why?? What is so wrong with letting little kids be kids for just a little while? The window is so small, the magic is so short. You only get a few years where it is really magical and then they figure it out, and it's ok, they still look forward to Christmas and we talk more about Jesus and service and the "truuuuue" meaning of Christmas. But there are YEARS for that, YEARS for service and teaching all of those great values. But just for a little while can we just let them believe in magic? Believe that there is this person who loves little children and wants them to be happy and wants to bring them presents for no other reason other than he loves them? Hmmmm sounds like someone else we know...Jesus perhaps?

I have heard someone say that they don't want some fictional character taking credit for the presents they give their kids. SERIOUSLY??? Are you that selfish? I bet those people never provide service without making sure people know about it too. I have no problem letting me kids think that someone out there loves them as much as I do. We are so blessed to be in a position to provide that for our children, and I will be sad when they don't believe anymore.

Because, as much as I hate everyone else at Christmas and all the crap, I love it for my kids.

So quit looking down your nose, get off your high horse and let kids be kids.

Evolution

I created this blog because everyone else was doing it. I'm a copier of the finest caliber. But I like to refer to "copying" someone else as flattering them. ie. I think you are so cool, and the way you decorated your living room was so cool, and I'm so cool that I must copy that. Sometimes I feel bad because I wish I had my "own" creative ideas and when that happens I get REALLY excited and tell everyone! "Hey guess what I thought up on my very own?" "Oh really you saw that on DIY?" "Well I'm sure I thought of it first" I know I didn't, but I feel the same way when I am working on new products for the website. I try to adapt a thing here or there, but for the most part I've been what I like to call "inspired" by someone else's work.

To make a long story longer. My blog is evolving from a journal about what is going on in our lives to a journal of what I am thinking and feeling at any given time and I want to write about things that inspire me.

I read a lot of blogs and there are several that inspire me to write about things that matter to me, not just what my kids did last week. In my blog stalking I found this awesome woman who is funny, smart, and sarcastic and sometime this week I will give her, her very own ode! Courtkneerawks is a fun blog and I heart her!

The second blog that inspires me is written by my friend Cyndi who has gone through more in the last six months than any one person should be required to with her marriage and her husband. The Greenest Grass is her feelings on what is going on in her life. She is a fantastic writer and I hope that someday I can have even a speck of her humility and faith. Not to mention she has freaking cute kids :)

Anyway, if you no longer want to read my blog that is fine, because it is going to be for me now, not for anybody else. I need that in my life right now. Everything I do (as I know all mothers feel this way) is for someone else. Whether it's for my kids, my husband, the day care kids,customers, family, neighbors and friends and all of the other wonderful people in my life who I love to do things for. I am overwhelmed and I need an out that is just for me, so this is it.

I don't ever intend to offend anyone but since this blog is going to be for me I have stuff to say. It's about me, not you, and please don't take anything said here personally, unless I use your name of course.

I have super strong opinions about lots of things. (I know your shocked right now) but believe it or not I hold back A LOT! All because I don't want to offend someone, and believe me I don't want to offend someone but I'm going to explode soon if I can't get some stuff out. You may ask "then why not just make it private? and write a journal in Word or something" I've thought about that, but I'm hoping that maybe someone will want to hear what I have to say, or maybe someone else will be "inspired" to say what they have on their mind instead of worrying about what others will think. I tend to be a people pleaser, I don't want to tell people NO, because they will think I am not reliable, or I don't like them. I'm really insecure that way. So instead of saying No, to others I'm going to say Yes to myself and try and figure out who I am. Because after 32 years I really have no idea.

Can I Borrow that?

Chris and I love to read!! Fortunately we have been able to share that love with our kids and they also enjoy reading very much and I have to threaten Mclayne every night to put down his book and go to sleep at a decent hour.

Along with that, I like to actually OWN books. I find a lot of used books off of Amazon and I'm thinking I may have to stalk some yard sales this summer and check out some used book stores as well.

To the point. Because I love to read and own books. I also love to loan them.

We loaned the first book in the Mortal Instruments Series by Cassandra Clare called CITY OF BONES. There are currently 3 books in the series and I haven't started it yet but would really like to. So if we loaned you this book and it is sitting by your back door so you can grab it the next time you come over will you let me know?