I have some messed up dreams

The worst part about my messed up dreams is that I remember them, sometimes for days!! The least of my most recent messed up dreams was the one I had Friday night where I decided I was going to have to have another baby because something bad was going to happen to one of my kids so I needed to get on having another one right away and while driving pulled my IUD out of my throat. I warned you! Messed up!

Last night I had two separate dreams about two separate women that are no longer in my life, who at one point I considered friends. Needless to say they bugged me enough that now I feel the need to blog about it.

I wrote last year that the blog would be a way for me to get some of my feelings out as I try to work through my crazy pants issues. However, I don't really feel like I have done that. There are a couple of reasons.

1. I don't want to freak people out. I'm not sure that the 3 people who may possibly read my blog can handle it. I'm a fruit loop and I don't want people looking at me in that strange "did you bring a knife to church with you" way.

2. I don't feel these crazy feelings all the time. I just have moments that mess with me and through therapy hopefully I am getting through some of them.

3. I'm not medicated. Your shocked right? I've been medicated off and on since I was 18 and the fact that I have been med free since July is scary for everyone.
I am hoping to remedy that today. I have a Dr's appt and I'm ready to start drinking the kool aid again. *revised* Dr office just called and changed my appt to next week so don't expect anything special out of me until then*

How does this relate to my dreams? It's the women who are no longer my friends part. I have dis-associated myself with several of my friends over the last year. Not because they are not good people and not because I don't want to be their friend. But because I have enough of my own issues that I couldn't deal with theirs. That may sound totally selfish and I'm OK with that. However, my therapist says, (which is my new favorite saying by the way) that it is OK for me to not be friends with people that make me feel bad. I choose my friends and if they hurt me or make me feel sad I don't have to be their friend anymore. I realize that sounds obvious, but it is surprising how many relationships I have been maintaining because I felt like I HAD to, not because I wanted to.

One of the "friends" is someone I worked with/for for a long time and we have not been "friends" for a long time, and in the dream we weren't friends. She was screaming at me as usual and freaking out about stuff that neither one of us had any control over. Just like the old days and the reason we are not friends or co-workers anymore so I'm OK with that one.

The one that is bugging me is the dream I had about a friend who I cut out of my life because she was doing JACKED up stuff and screwed me over financially, she owes me a couple hundred dollars which may not sound like a lot but I would NEVER EVER do that to someone I cared about because it is a lot to us. Since one of the three people who read this blog might know said friend I won't use any names and she won't read this but I don't want to totally throw her under the bus. I digress. In my dream she came to my house and she looked awesome! She was healthy and beautiful and we embraced and she apologized and I apologized and we were sisters again. I miss her. I refuse to tell her that now because she needs to be cut out of my life, I need her to be cut out of my life because I can't handle her B.S. but someday I hope this messed up dream comes true.

It's a Brand New Year!!!

And I don't really care :) I've never been one for big New Year's Celebrations and kissing the previous year goodbye. We have ups and downs just like everyone else. But we always grow and learn and move on. I'm not even sure I could list the things that have happened (good or bad) this year. We are all relatively healthy, and I have 3 beautiful, smart,and somewhat annoying children whom I love and adore. A wonderful husband who I think is the bee's knee's and we are blessed with a roof over our head, food in our bellies and a wonderful extended family.
I still wish they could visit us in Arizona, but for now I am working through the cold and the dark, always trying to change and move!
I'm a big believer in moving and changing. I LOVE change! Obviously some changes are better than others and some changes are not always welcome. But if we are not constantly changing and moving life would be SOOOOO boring! Life would be like the movie Groundhog Day. Doing the same things over and over again. Do you know the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I have my own brand of crazy I don't need to be insane as well.
I don't make New Year's resolutions, I think they set me up to fail and cause me undue stress. Plus if you need to make changes in your life, make them. The calendar doesn't need to change for you to change.

I will get off my soapbox now and wish you all a Safe, Happy, and Prosperous New Year!!!