Vacation and Prayers

For the first time in 6 years we went on a family vacation. We have had some weekend getaways, and camping trips here and there but this is the first BIG family vacation we have been on for a long time. Plus, it is the first vacation that was just "us", just our little family. I totally realize that many of you probably don't give a crap about my vacation, but I need to document it before I forget and I don't have time to scrapbook right now so this is how it's gonna go. I'm going to blog a day at a time.

This vacation was seriously MAGICAL!!! I kid you not, we went to the Magic Kingdom, aka The Happiest Damn Place on Earth, aka Disneyland. We also put in a day at Sea World. In planning this vacation I kept having this anxious feeling (so not me) that something was going to go wrong. I just knew that it was too good to be true. We had the time off, we had the money saved and ready to be spent, we had a place to stay and we were going to DISNEYLAND!!!!

This is how our trip started on Friday night. We were making the first leg of the trip from our home to St. George UT. The kids were watching movies, and being really good, and it was generally a nice drive. We took some pictures to document our road trip. When we were about 5 hours from home and 45 minutes away from my Grandma's house where we were spending the night.

 

 

 

We stopped to stretch our legs, take a potty break and fill up the van. We pulled out of the gas station turned left and the van DIED!!! DIED!!! at 11:00 pm in a small city in Southern UT! Seriously? Seriously? Chris went back in the gas station to get a phone book, and I called the insurance company to see what our Roadside Assistance covered, and the kids prayed. Literally. They were scared we were on the side of the road, it was cold and our car wouldn't start. I was trying really hard to hold it together but I was really upset as well. I couldn't help but think our vacation was ruined. We weren't going to let some car trouble stop us from going, however, we didn't have major car repairs and/or rental car in the budget for this trip.

The insurance company sent a tow truck to pick us up and tow the truck to a repair shop, they also took us to a hotel around the corner. I was prepared for a large tow bill since it was late at night and we were in the middle of nowhere. But it was only $45 and the room was $60. Ok I could handle that, now onto what the car was going to cost us and could they get it done quick. That night we had a family prayer, that our car could get fixed quickly and we would be able to continue our vacation. Chris got up early and was at the repair shop when they opened the doors so he could give them the keys. He tried one last time to start the van. But it wasn't to be. So he left them the keys they said that it sounded like the fuel pump and they could get the parts and have it fixed for us that day. The hotel said we could do a late check out so we settled into our room for the duration. Luckily we had WiFi and movies so we were finding things to keep busy. I was REALLY upset but I was trying really hard to keep it together and make it fun for the kids. My dad offered to come and get the van so we could rent a car and get on the road, and my Grandma has an extra car that she could loan us as well. But we are big kids so we were just waiting to hear what the repair shop said. We also had our awesome friend Heidi offer to bring us tools or whatever we needed so Chris could fix it himself. We even had twitter friends wishing us luck. I just felt really blessed that so many people cared and were worried about us. Around 9:30 the guy from the repair shop called and said that he charged the battery and it started right up!! Then he drove it 10 miles, brought it back, and hooked it up to the scanner and it didn't throw any codes! What the hell?? I couldn't believe it. He said he couldn't find anything wrong with it. We could come and get it, and they weren't going to charge us anything! We quickly gathered our things and walked to the shop while I called everyone to tell them we were on our way! I just cried! I couldn't believe it. I know that there were lots of prayers said in our behalf and I am so grateful that we were able to get on our way. We did not have one second of trouble with the car for the rest of the week. It ran perfectly. So if that was what I was worried about, I think we were lucky. The rest of our week was like a dream! I'll share more magic later this week :)

The Promise of a New Day

Cheesy title I know, but this is what went through my mind when I got up this morning.

I love the saying "I'll sleep on it" and I don't believe that couples should never go to bed angry at each other. Because generally after I sleep on something.(my pillow) I feel better in the morning. It's a new day and it's fresh and I can make what I want of it.

I didn't go to bed last night mad at Chris or anyone else for that matter. I just felt heavy in my soul. I had some things happen yesterday that really bothered me (obsessive much?) and continued to let it bother me. I won't even go into it here, because it was really of no consequence, just part of my crazy. It seems everyday around 4 p.m. I feel tired emotionally, thinking that I have to do this all over again tomorrow.

So because of that heavy crazy feeling, I welcome with open arms the feeling I get in the morning when it's a new day. I haven't started feeling stressed yet, and yesterdays crap, is in the past I get to have a new day, and maybe at 4 p.m. I won't feel that way again. It could happen right?

Don't be Alarmed

There will be crying! Lots of it.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward. ~Kurt Vonnegut

This has been my personal feeling on crying for a very long time. I HATE to cry, HATE like getting a zit on a day you have to speak. HATE like 20 degree weather for 4 months. HATE like people picking their kids up late everyday. I hope you get the picture. I HATE to cry. It's messy and embarrassing and I could honestly do with out it.

But if you have been keeping up you know that I am in therapy and I am using the blog to journal about my therapy progress in getting my mind back.

Apparently my lack of emotion is very damaging and extremely unhealthy. I personally have decided it is why I'm fat. (sounds good to me)

I rarely if ever cry in public. I'm pretty sure the last time that I completely lost it in front of people was when my grandma passed away almost 4 1/2 years ago which was fine because death is different. But crying because someone got an awesome home makeover is just not for me.

I avoid crying. I don't watch sad movies, I swallow a lot if I start to feel that emotion, and I absolutely do not watch Extreme Home Makeover, or a Baby Story. Because those shows will make you blubber faster than kids running for mac n cheese.

Don't get me completely wrong. I'm not a total cold hearted bitch. I "feel" like crying I just don't. I think it's ugly and weak and messy, uncomfortable and irritating.

Remember I'm sick. These feelings are wrong, but they are mine and I'm trying to change them.

Tearless grief bleeds inwardly. ~Christian Nevell Bovee

I think this is what is happening I'm bleeding internally because I'm not letting my feelings out. They get suppressed on the inside and it's really damaging.

So since my very first therapy session on Tuesday I have cried everyday. Even if it was just little tears I let it out. Instead of repressing them I let them out. AND if this isn't progress, someone saw me!!!! I know, it's really shocking probably more for Chris than anyone, the weird thing for me is that I don't think it really bothers him. He's probably thanking the Lord that his wife has feelings.

I'm also supposed to cry in front of my kids....we'll see. I'm also supposed to let them cry when they need to! BLEH! I'm working on it. I will be putting my foot down when it's just temper and screeching (Drama Daughter) but if they really NEED to cry then I am going to be more understanding.

Invisible tears are the hardest to wipe away. Just let it out, my friend. ~Adabella Radici


So when you see me next if the tears are flowing freely, don't be alarmed I'm healing and learning how to "emote" I think it should make me thinner too. Maybe I should talk to my therapist about how I'm a little delusional :)

On the Mend

I'm on the mend...I'm trying to get better. Did you know I was sick? Well I am, and I own it. I think I've been sick for most of my life. I have an extremely high level of depression and anxiety coupled with a need for perfection and obsessiveness.

I'm sick.

But I'm going to get better. I want to get better. I need to get better.

Because if I don't I'm going to lose it. I'm on my way to a nervous breakdown. The real kind, not just the ones you think you've heard about. But the real kind where people get put in the hospital and put on lots of medications and people whisper under their breath in church "hey did you hear about crazy?" I'm on my way to that.

I have help. I have a therapist, and I'm hopefully getting my meds changed soon. I have an amazing husband, and wonderful kids. I also have an amazing friend ( you know who you are) who is my soul sister and gets me on so many levels and even though I don't get to see her everyday ( or ever for that matter) I know she is always there, just as I am always here for her.

I'm going to be posting about this journey, it is part of my therapy. I was going to say "don't' think I'm crazy" but I'm way past that. This is my brand of crazy and I'm letting it out.

I have too much on my plate...I've said that before, but instead of taking things off the plate I've just been trying to get a bigger plate.

That doesn't work. I don't have a bigger plate, and trust me I've looked for them everywhere they are really expensive and I just can't afford one right now.

I'm letting some things go, maybe letting lots of things go for a while, and then when I'm better and I have better coping skills and tools, I will add things back onto the plate.

This means that I might say no a lot. I know that is a foreign word to come out of my mouth, but I will be doing lots of Thank you, but no, I really can't, I don't have time, thank you for telling me, but I can't today.

I hope that doesn't make anyone feel bad, but I can no longer feel bad for other people feeling bad. The only person from now that can make me feel bad is me, and I'm choosing not to feel bad for saying no from this day forward.

In order to be a better person, wife, and mother this is the path I have to take. It's uphill and there will be detours and obstacles that get in my way. But the important part is that I'm on the path.

Perfectly Ordinary Day

My mom sent me this and it made me get a little teary which is something I generally try not to do. But I totally see myself in this video, and thought it was really touching. I talk to Chris all the time about how they are only little for a little while, and this is what I mean.

Personal and Professional that is the question

Why you may ask is this the question? Because I have found myself really enjoying social networking. I love my Twitter more than I can tell you. I connect with other adults DURING THE DAY, and a lot of them are super duper cool, and I totally get them. I get their profanity, and dirty talk, and kid crazy, and mama love. I get them and I think some of them get me.
Here is the problem. I got into social networking to help promote my business. For those of you that don't know, I'm a professional bow maker amongst other hair accesories godess. (if you will indulge me) I own and operate and organize and cry over and stress over and sweat over Flowerzinherhair.com there's a button over there to your right, if you have never been there you should at least check it out so you know why I'm fat and where my blood, sweat, and tears, and patience have disapeared to.
Due to the fact that I am my business my personal overlaps with my business and I don't think that is always good. In my mind I know I must be professional and all business like. But when I am "tweeting" it's me, it's who I am, and I am not professional all the time. I swear and I want to say sarcastic rude things to non intelligent people. But I can't, I have to be careful because even though I may never meet or see any of these people ever in my life, I don't want to hurt my business because people that follow me don't agree with my politics, or my parenting or my loud personality.
My biggest fear is that I'm going to totally piss some powerful mommy blogger off and she is going to write a big old long post about the crass owner of flowerzinherhair.com and then all her mommy blogger friends are going to black list me and never do another review or giveaway and my business will go in the toilet.
I do realize there are a couple of simple solutions for this problem.

1. Don't be crass, don't be obnoxious or sarcastic. (have you met me? I don't think it is possible I've tried to be soft spoken and meek it's not who I am and I still feel like I need to be true to who I am)

2. Be all business on Twitter (that is a hard one, my business is ME it is who I am)

3. Don't "do" Twitter (I don't think that can happen, if you are a business owner in 2010 you need to be on Twitter it is an amazing place to make connections)*and I would miss Courtney.

So you see I am in a pickle, and it's killin' me smalls. I think for now I will continue to be 'me" just stay toned down, and leave the good stuff for Direct Messages :)

Seasonal Affective Depression Disorder

Seasonal Affective Depression Disorder or SADD, is a form of depression that is directly linked to or caused by the weather or time of year. Why you ask am I telling you this? I'm telling you this because it is a very real form of depression that I personally suffer from. There are two types, Summer and Winter. I always thought it was only related to Winter weather but apparently some people can be affected by the Summer weather as well.

Don't get me wrong, I suffer from depression ALL the time. I had been medicated off and on since my late teens/early twenties. But after I had The Man I have been medicated permanently. After I had The Man I saw a Dr. who thought I may be Bi-Polar. When I called my mom and told her this possible diagnosis her first response was "Oh My gosh don't tell anyone" What? Now this was six years ago but it has still bothered me a little bit. Like if I had diabetes or cancer or high blood pressure, would she still have said "Don't tell anyone" probably not. But it is the same thing, depression is when your body/brain is not working or clicking the way it should. For the record I was not diagnosed with Bi Polar disorder, however,it would not have surprised me.

Even though I take my meds every day, this year is hitting particularly hard. I don't know why but this past week has been brutal.
Symptoms of winter-onset seasonal affective disorder include:

■Depressed mood
■Irritability
■Hopelessness
■Anxiety
■Loss of energy
■Social withdrawal
■Oversleeping (feeling like you want to hibernate)
■Loss of interest in activities you normally enjoy
■Appetite changes, especially a craving for foods high in carbohydrates such as pastas, rice, bread and cereal
■Weight gain
■Difficulty concentrating and processing information

Now the fact that I live in a frozen tundra does NOT help this. Every year at this time, I start dreaming about palm trees and sunshine to the point that I want to call a realtor, put the house on the market, and Chris registered for a couple of job seeker sites today. I'm not saying we are moving because I am fairly certain that will never happen but my dream would be to move south....immediately.

Other than meds and moving 700 miles away there are a couple different ways to treat this. I have gone tanning in the past which helps, but is expensive, bad for my skin, and part of the depression is that it's hard to leave the house :) (aka catch 22) There are also light therapy boxes to sit in front of, that are available so I am looking into finding one but they are also not free.

I don't share this with all of you because I am looking for sympathy or let me know what I can do for you stuff, because I wish there was something someone could do. But it is what it is. I share this because if I seem distant blah blah blah this is why. I'm working on it. I don't like it, it's not fun but it's not personal to anyone else, it's my deal and I really do my best to put on a good show, but this week it's not working out so well.

I am so blessed in so many ways and in my brain I keep telling myself that I don't have a "good reason" to feel depressed but I can't help it, and that is what is so frustrating. This may come as a shock to many of you (all 3 of you that read my blog) but I am a little controlling... I know, I know, catch your breath, and the fact that I cannot control this almost makes it worse. I can't even think of anything sarcastic or snarky to say. That is never a good sign. But I will get through. I just may not leave my house until March or so.