There will be crying! Lots of it.
Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward. ~Kurt Vonnegut
This has been my personal feeling on crying for a very long time. I HATE to cry, HATE like getting a zit on a day you have to speak. HATE like 20 degree weather for 4 months. HATE like people picking their kids up late everyday. I hope you get the picture. I HATE to cry. It's messy and embarrassing and I could honestly do with out it.
But if you have been keeping up you know that I am in therapy and I am using the blog to journal about my therapy progress in getting my mind back.
Apparently my lack of emotion is very damaging and extremely unhealthy. I personally have decided it is why I'm fat. (sounds good to me)
I rarely if ever cry in public. I'm pretty sure the last time that I completely lost it in front of people was when my grandma passed away almost 4 1/2 years ago which was fine because death is different. But crying because someone got an awesome home makeover is just not for me.
I avoid crying. I don't watch sad movies, I swallow a lot if I start to feel that emotion, and I absolutely do not watch Extreme Home Makeover, or a Baby Story. Because those shows will make you blubber faster than kids running for mac n cheese.
Don't get me completely wrong. I'm not a total cold hearted bitch. I "feel" like crying I just don't. I think it's ugly and weak and messy, uncomfortable and irritating.
Remember I'm sick. These feelings are wrong, but they are mine and I'm trying to change them.
Tearless grief bleeds inwardly. ~Christian Nevell Bovee
I think this is what is happening I'm bleeding internally because I'm not letting my feelings out. They get suppressed on the inside and it's really damaging.
So since my very first therapy session on Tuesday I have cried everyday. Even if it was just little tears I let it out. Instead of repressing them I let them out. AND if this isn't progress, someone saw me!!!! I know, it's really shocking probably more for Chris than anyone, the weird thing for me is that I don't think it really bothers him. He's probably thanking the Lord that his wife has feelings.
I'm also supposed to cry in front of my kids....we'll see. I'm also supposed to let them cry when they need to! BLEH! I'm working on it. I will be putting my foot down when it's just temper and screeching (Drama Daughter) but if they really NEED to cry then I am going to be more understanding.
Invisible tears are the hardest to wipe away. Just let it out, my friend. ~Adabella Radici
So when you see me next if the tears are flowing freely, don't be alarmed I'm healing and learning how to "emote" I think it should make me thinner too. Maybe I should talk to my therapist about how I'm a little delusional :)
4 comments:
Your amazing and I am so glad that you are doing this for yourself. I am ALWAYS here if you need a shoulder to cry on...and hopefully next time we go to a movie together, I won't be crying alone anymore ;)
I really enjoyed this post, as much as could be enjoyed about pain and crying. I struggle emotionally, and I go through Kleenex like it's going out of style. I actually just put up some of my ranty sadness poetry yesterday. I applaud you for being open about your struggles and pain. It's helpful for me to have a kindred spirit in the bloggosphere.
I wanted to tell you something from yesterday--we sat on the same pew as your family, and Mac was so good with Hazel, which made life so much easier for me! He was drawing pictures of her toys, and letting her color over them (badly). It was just really sweet. She loved it.
What a great kid you have. You obviously did something right with that one.
It sounds like you are making really good progress. I hope it keeps getting better.
In the Recovery groups I teach, I always tell our clients that when we take our emotions and hide them away, it's like taking a bottle of pop and screwing the lid on really tight. Then, every time something upsets us, it's like shaking the bottle. One day, the lid is eventually going to come FLYING off and made a huge mess. So, by crying a little bit at a time, it's like slowly easing the lid off and hearing that "hisssss." There's still too much pressure to take the lid off completely, but you'll get there!
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