The worst part about my messed up dreams is that I remember them, sometimes for days!! The least of my most recent messed up dreams was the one I had Friday night where I decided I was going to have to have another baby because something bad was going to happen to one of my kids so I needed to get on having another one right away and while driving pulled my IUD out of my throat. I warned you! Messed up!
Last night I had two separate dreams about two separate women that are no longer in my life, who at one point I considered friends. Needless to say they bugged me enough that now I feel the need to blog about it.
I wrote last year that the blog would be a way for me to get some of my feelings out as I try to work through my crazy pants issues. However, I don't really feel like I have done that. There are a couple of reasons.
1. I don't want to freak people out. I'm not sure that the 3 people who may possibly read my blog can handle it. I'm a fruit loop and I don't want people looking at me in that strange "did you bring a knife to church with you" way.
2. I don't feel these crazy feelings all the time. I just have moments that mess with me and through therapy hopefully I am getting through some of them.
3. I'm not medicated. Your shocked right? I've been medicated off and on since I was 18 and the fact that I have been med free since July is scary for everyone.
I am hoping to remedy that today. I have a Dr's appt and I'm ready to start drinking the kool aid again. *revised* Dr office just called and changed my appt to next week so don't expect anything special out of me until then*
How does this relate to my dreams? It's the women who are no longer my friends part. I have dis-associated myself with several of my friends over the last year. Not because they are not good people and not because I don't want to be their friend. But because I have enough of my own issues that I couldn't deal with theirs. That may sound totally selfish and I'm OK with that. However, my therapist says, (which is my new favorite saying by the way) that it is OK for me to not be friends with people that make me feel bad. I choose my friends and if they hurt me or make me feel sad I don't have to be their friend anymore. I realize that sounds obvious, but it is surprising how many relationships I have been maintaining because I felt like I HAD to, not because I wanted to.
One of the "friends" is someone I worked with/for for a long time and we have not been "friends" for a long time, and in the dream we weren't friends. She was screaming at me as usual and freaking out about stuff that neither one of us had any control over. Just like the old days and the reason we are not friends or co-workers anymore so I'm OK with that one.
The one that is bugging me is the dream I had about a friend who I cut out of my life because she was doing JACKED up stuff and screwed me over financially, she owes me a couple hundred dollars which may not sound like a lot but I would NEVER EVER do that to someone I cared about because it is a lot to us. Since one of the three people who read this blog might know said friend I won't use any names and she won't read this but I don't want to totally throw her under the bus. I digress. In my dream she came to my house and she looked awesome! She was healthy and beautiful and we embraced and she apologized and I apologized and we were sisters again. I miss her. I refuse to tell her that now because she needs to be cut out of my life, I need her to be cut out of my life because I can't handle her B.S. but someday I hope this messed up dream comes true.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
It's a Brand New Year!!!
And I don't really care :) I've never been one for big New Year's Celebrations and kissing the previous year goodbye. We have ups and downs just like everyone else. But we always grow and learn and move on. I'm not even sure I could list the things that have happened (good or bad) this year. We are all relatively healthy, and I have 3 beautiful, smart,and somewhat annoying children whom I love and adore. A wonderful husband who I think is the bee's knee's and we are blessed with a roof over our head, food in our bellies and a wonderful extended family.
I still wish they could visit us in Arizona, but for now I am working through the cold and the dark, always trying to change and move!
I'm a big believer in moving and changing. I LOVE change! Obviously some changes are better than others and some changes are not always welcome. But if we are not constantly changing and moving life would be SOOOOO boring! Life would be like the movie Groundhog Day. Doing the same things over and over again. Do you know the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I have my own brand of crazy I don't need to be insane as well.
I don't make New Year's resolutions, I think they set me up to fail and cause me undue stress. Plus if you need to make changes in your life, make them. The calendar doesn't need to change for you to change.
I will get off my soapbox now and wish you all a Safe, Happy, and Prosperous New Year!!!
I still wish they could visit us in Arizona, but for now I am working through the cold and the dark, always trying to change and move!
I'm a big believer in moving and changing. I LOVE change! Obviously some changes are better than others and some changes are not always welcome. But if we are not constantly changing and moving life would be SOOOOO boring! Life would be like the movie Groundhog Day. Doing the same things over and over again. Do you know the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I have my own brand of crazy I don't need to be insane as well.
I don't make New Year's resolutions, I think they set me up to fail and cause me undue stress. Plus if you need to make changes in your life, make them. The calendar doesn't need to change for you to change.
I will get off my soapbox now and wish you all a Safe, Happy, and Prosperous New Year!!!
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Science Fair
I was certain that the science fair was going to kill us. Mac participated with his friend A last year and with the help of her parents they did a great job and took first place in the 5th grade. Her parents were terrific, we were crazy busy and really didn't have a lot to do with it.
6th grade: New Story! The science fair is not optional in 6th grade. Every student has to participate and my kid is fairly high strung. (No, I don't know where he gets this)
At one point during the tears, that were to be a part of this project, I, the caring supportive mother asked him if he needed a tampon, he was so completely over re-acting. (No, I don't know where he gets this either)
He worked very hard, Chris and I helped but were mostly the manual labor. He did the experiments. He planned them, made the materials he would need, and bossed us around. He wrote the final report with only minor editing on my part and printed and cut out everything for his presentation board.
It was ALL worth it!! He took 2nd place out of the whole 6th grade!!! I would love to be all nonchalant and just write a tiny little post about his 2nd place win, but I can't! I'm so PROUD!! Shout it from the roof-tops proud. I was so proud of the fact that he could speak on the subject, that he wrote the whole thing, and picked the project. We honestly had very little to do with it, other than the prodding that is our job, to make sure he hit all of his deadlines. (which is where the tears came) Seriously dude, do not come to me at 8:00pm on Tuesday night and tell me that you need to have this, this, and this turned in TOMORROW! It makes me want to throat punch you. ( I didn't by the way)
While I am tooting his horn. He was also elected as a Peer Leader this year which I talked a little bit about in my last post. It is a little like being a student body officer. He REALLY wanted to be a peer leader,he has been talking about being a peer leader when he was in 6th grade for years. He has really enjoyed helping with the morning announcements and going to the meetings, participating in the food drive, and other fundraisers.
Ok I'm done tooting his horn, next post I will be tooting The Man's he is pretty spectacular as well. (jJust ask me I'll tell you)
**disclaimer** I was not paid for this review it is my true opinion. However biased I may be. I do of course realize that my children are FAR from perfect. But when they do what I feel are great things I reserve the right to brag about them. Especially considering the imperfect parents they have to work with.
By the way his project was on Errosion ;) and he will be moving on to the district science fair in January.
6th grade: New Story! The science fair is not optional in 6th grade. Every student has to participate and my kid is fairly high strung. (No, I don't know where he gets this)
At one point during the tears, that were to be a part of this project, I, the caring supportive mother asked him if he needed a tampon, he was so completely over re-acting. (No, I don't know where he gets this either)
He worked very hard, Chris and I helped but were mostly the manual labor. He did the experiments. He planned them, made the materials he would need, and bossed us around. He wrote the final report with only minor editing on my part and printed and cut out everything for his presentation board.
It was ALL worth it!! He took 2nd place out of the whole 6th grade!!! I would love to be all nonchalant and just write a tiny little post about his 2nd place win, but I can't! I'm so PROUD!! Shout it from the roof-tops proud. I was so proud of the fact that he could speak on the subject, that he wrote the whole thing, and picked the project. We honestly had very little to do with it, other than the prodding that is our job, to make sure he hit all of his deadlines. (which is where the tears came) Seriously dude, do not come to me at 8:00pm on Tuesday night and tell me that you need to have this, this, and this turned in TOMORROW! It makes me want to throat punch you. ( I didn't by the way)
While I am tooting his horn. He was also elected as a Peer Leader this year which I talked a little bit about in my last post. It is a little like being a student body officer. He REALLY wanted to be a peer leader,he has been talking about being a peer leader when he was in 6th grade for years. He has really enjoyed helping with the morning announcements and going to the meetings, participating in the food drive, and other fundraisers.
Ok I'm done tooting his horn, next post I will be tooting The Man's he is pretty spectacular as well. (jJust ask me I'll tell you)
**disclaimer** I was not paid for this review it is my true opinion. However biased I may be. I do of course realize that my children are FAR from perfect. But when they do what I feel are great things I reserve the right to brag about them. Especially considering the imperfect parents they have to work with.
By the way his project was on Errosion ;) and he will be moving on to the district science fair in January.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Bad Blogger
I'm a really bad blogger. I don't blog for anyone but myself, however, I have these huge spans of time that I don't say anything. The funny thing is I think about blogging all the time. In the shower, laying in bed falling asleep, driving in the car, reading other people's blogs. But actually sitting down and blogging is really hard for me and I'm not sure why. I know one of the reasons is that I don't enjoy typing which sounds weird, but I feel like I'm losing my skills. I used to type 70 wpm and I enjoyed typing far more than writing because most people can't read my writing. Which I use the excuse that I write fast because my brain is working faster than my hands can move. But now days I'm not sure you can read my typing either. My brain is working faster than my fingers can move, or my keyboard seems to be very insensitive and I find myself doing a lot of back spacing which is annoying. But today is the day....
So here are the updates:
Drama started pre-school in September and she loves it!! She is doing really well and quite honestly I enjoy the 3 hours a day 3 days a week where she gets to learn and grow ON HER OWN!
The Man is in 2nd grade now I can't believe how big he is getting. (older anyway) He is super smart and is still OBSESSED with football, to the point that I have to ask him to stop talking about it, because it hurts my brain. He has been very patient and very good while we got through this last season of football.
Mac is in 6th grade! I am way to young to have a tween, at least I think I am, he just thinks I'm old. He is having a very busy 6th grade year, he was elected to be a peer leader at his school, which is kind of like being a student body officer. He is really enjoying that. Right now we (he and his dad) are working on a science fair project which may destroy all of our lives by the time we are done. That may be a little dramatic but this thing is totally stressing us out. Another post about that another day. Football is OVER and football is football. They won A game which is an improvement. I am very proud of he and Chris for sticking it out and committing to their team, but football is a whole different story for an entirely different day.
Chris is working hard and does a lot around here to try and keep me sane. (futile I know) We celebrated our 12th anniversary in August and I love him more every day.
I am still running the website and doing day care, which means I'm also still in therapy. I'm down to going every two weeks, and I feel like I am getting better sometimes, and other times I feel myself slipping back. It's that time of year again, I can feel the cold wearing on me already and it just started. For instance it is supposed to get all the way up to 52 degrees today. Do you know what the temperature in Mesa is? I do!! It is supposed to get up to 87! I can feel it calling me home.
I have a bunch of other things I would love to write about, but I especially want to share this link with you which will lead into some other posts I am composing in my brain.
I follow this beautiful woman on twitter and I also read her blog and even though we have never met I feel a very close sister hood with her and the things that she struggles with but she is a much more eloquent writer than I.
So here are the updates:
Drama started pre-school in September and she loves it!! She is doing really well and quite honestly I enjoy the 3 hours a day 3 days a week where she gets to learn and grow ON HER OWN!
The Man is in 2nd grade now I can't believe how big he is getting. (older anyway) He is super smart and is still OBSESSED with football, to the point that I have to ask him to stop talking about it, because it hurts my brain. He has been very patient and very good while we got through this last season of football.
Mac is in 6th grade! I am way to young to have a tween, at least I think I am, he just thinks I'm old. He is having a very busy 6th grade year, he was elected to be a peer leader at his school, which is kind of like being a student body officer. He is really enjoying that. Right now we (he and his dad) are working on a science fair project which may destroy all of our lives by the time we are done. That may be a little dramatic but this thing is totally stressing us out. Another post about that another day. Football is OVER and football is football. They won A game which is an improvement. I am very proud of he and Chris for sticking it out and committing to their team, but football is a whole different story for an entirely different day.
Chris is working hard and does a lot around here to try and keep me sane. (futile I know) We celebrated our 12th anniversary in August and I love him more every day.
I am still running the website and doing day care, which means I'm also still in therapy. I'm down to going every two weeks, and I feel like I am getting better sometimes, and other times I feel myself slipping back. It's that time of year again, I can feel the cold wearing on me already and it just started. For instance it is supposed to get all the way up to 52 degrees today. Do you know what the temperature in Mesa is? I do!! It is supposed to get up to 87! I can feel it calling me home.
I have a bunch of other things I would love to write about, but I especially want to share this link with you which will lead into some other posts I am composing in my brain.
I follow this beautiful woman on twitter and I also read her blog and even though we have never met I feel a very close sister hood with her and the things that she struggles with but she is a much more eloquent writer than I.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
IT'S A GIRL!!!!
WHAT!!????!?!? You must be mistaken Doctor, we don't make girls. My family doesn't know how. My parents have 10 grandchildren and 9 of them are boys. We (Chris and I) apparently do know how to make a girl, and let me tell you, we broke the mold! I didn't know what it meant to be the mother of a daughter.
The DRAMA!!! The clothes :) The Princesses and just plain girlishness. I love aspects of the girlishness. Others not so much. I call her Drama Daughter because that is the best way to describe her. EVERYTHING is dramatic. EVERYTHING. She is happy, and sad, and excited and loving, and sweet and that was just in the last 5 minutes. The roller coaster is a lot to handle.
However, she is so sweet and caring and says the cutest little things that the boys would never say.
Drama is funny!!! She says totally hilarious things. This weekend she was all dressed up and ready to go to the parade in her cute 4Th of July dress when Courtney said to her "You look beautiful" to which she replied "No I look Gorgeous" SNAP!! She is like this ALL the time.
Drama is:
Loud
Sweet
Funny
Charming
Endearing
Emotional
Imaginative
Smart
Bratty
Cute
Everything a little girl should be and more. I love her! She loves her Daddy. She has him wrapped around her little finger as she should. She LOVES the boys Mac's age, she has most of them wrapped as well. It's ridiculous the attention she gets, and knows how to work it. She makes me laugh, cry, and want to pull my hair out everyday, and I wouldn't change a thing. We can all use a little Drama in our lives. I'm proud to be her Mommy and I'm so happy we made a girl.
Friday, May 28, 2010
The Monster is 7!
I can't believe it has been 7 years since a 7 lb 1 oz ball of tiny nervous energy made his way into the world. At 7 Chan man, Chandler, or the Monster as his dad calls him bounces off the walls. Literally the kid can't even finish a complete sentence unless he is moving. If I try and make him hold still he can't speak.
He is the "middle" child. I am not a middle child myself but I can see it is not easy for him. Especially since his older brother is 4 years older than him. He wants to do all the same things that Mac does and have the same things, and privileges but it just ain't happenin. I know he struggles with that. However, on Monday he received an award for outstanding handwriting in his class and that is definitely better than Mac's. Actually he probably, I mean totally prints better than I do. He is reading at almost a 5th grade level! He is crazy smart. Not just oh look you colored in the lines. I mean CRAZY smart and he wants to know EVERYTHING!!! Most days he drives me a little crazy.
He is totally OCD, which I don't know where that comes from. He has to know what is going on all the time. What are we doing next? Who is coming with us? How are we getting there? Do we have to run 2 errands or 6 errands? At the store how many things do you have to get mom? CRAZY!!!!
Every morning his alarm goes off 15 min before we have to get up so that he can crawl into bed with me and we cuddle. The way he cuddles, which means we hold hands. Those precious 15 min are the my favorite of the day with him. I cherish them, and even if I get up earlier I make sure I am in bed when his alarm goes off so I don't miss those minutes. It's the only 15 minutes of the day when he is not interrogating me with questions and telling me seemingly useless information about what someone said at school.
He has my spunk. Mac is a little more tender. The man, is not so much. He pretty much tells it like it is. He doesn't seem to mind letting other little people know when they are wrong and he is right. I cringe when he flys off at the mouth, but I have no one to blame.
I will never forget when he was minutes old and the nurse said "something is wrong with his heart" It was broken, and we are so blessed that the Dr's were able to fix it. He is such a blessing in my life, what he lacks in size he makes up for in attitude. He's a good boy who loves his mama, what else could I ever ask for?
Happy Birthday Chandler! We love you!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Size Does Matter
This is not a filthy post I promise. A couple of months ago I purchased an Ipod touch for myself, and I LOVE it!! It is the best thing I ever purchased for myself. I can do all sorts of cool stuff, from check the weather, facebook, twitter, my e-mail. I play games with friends all over the country, and I can download my own games for when I'm waiting...anywhere. I have also found some great apps for my kids to practice letters, timetables, and states and capitals.
Last week my fabulous friend Heather got an Ipad and I WANT ONE it is pure awesomeness and I am trying to win one so check out this link Airport Suppliers Directoryand maybe you can win one to.
Last week my fabulous friend Heather got an Ipad and I WANT ONE it is pure awesomeness and I am trying to win one so check out this link Airport Suppliers Directoryand maybe you can win one to.
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