On the Mend

I'm on the mend...I'm trying to get better. Did you know I was sick? Well I am, and I own it. I think I've been sick for most of my life. I have an extremely high level of depression and anxiety coupled with a need for perfection and obsessiveness.

I'm sick.

But I'm going to get better. I want to get better. I need to get better.

Because if I don't I'm going to lose it. I'm on my way to a nervous breakdown. The real kind, not just the ones you think you've heard about. But the real kind where people get put in the hospital and put on lots of medications and people whisper under their breath in church "hey did you hear about crazy?" I'm on my way to that.

I have help. I have a therapist, and I'm hopefully getting my meds changed soon. I have an amazing husband, and wonderful kids. I also have an amazing friend ( you know who you are) who is my soul sister and gets me on so many levels and even though I don't get to see her everyday ( or ever for that matter) I know she is always there, just as I am always here for her.

I'm going to be posting about this journey, it is part of my therapy. I was going to say "don't' think I'm crazy" but I'm way past that. This is my brand of crazy and I'm letting it out.

I have too much on my plate...I've said that before, but instead of taking things off the plate I've just been trying to get a bigger plate.

That doesn't work. I don't have a bigger plate, and trust me I've looked for them everywhere they are really expensive and I just can't afford one right now.

I'm letting some things go, maybe letting lots of things go for a while, and then when I'm better and I have better coping skills and tools, I will add things back onto the plate.

This means that I might say no a lot. I know that is a foreign word to come out of my mouth, but I will be doing lots of Thank you, but no, I really can't, I don't have time, thank you for telling me, but I can't today.

I hope that doesn't make anyone feel bad, but I can no longer feel bad for other people feeling bad. The only person from now that can make me feel bad is me, and I'm choosing not to feel bad for saying no from this day forward.

In order to be a better person, wife, and mother this is the path I have to take. It's uphill and there will be detours and obstacles that get in my way. But the important part is that I'm on the path.